It's Not Just You
If you’ve ever walked away from an argument with your partner thinking, “How did we end up here—again?”, you’re not alone. Relational conflict is not just common—it's practically a rite of passage for couples trying to stay connected in a messy, modern world.
People often show up to relationship therapy thinking conflict is a sign that something’s broken. But more often, conflict is actually a (badly wrapped) request for connection, respect, safety, or autonomy. It’s less about what you’re arguing over—and more about how you argue and what you both fear is underneath it.
When Conflict Stops Being Productive
Here’s what we see as therapists: conflict becomes destructive when it becomes repetitive, emotionally unsafe, or full of assumptions. This happens when:
One or both partners stop feeling heard or respected
You start keeping score instead of keeping connection
Small disagreements escalate into identity-level threats
You're not fighting about the dishwasher—you're fighting about feeling unseen for years
Sometimes, arguments are loud. Other times, they show up as shutting down, avoiding each other, or those icy "I'm fine" silences that could curdle milk.
If you’ve noticed that the same themes keep showing up in different costumes (money, sex, chores, parenting, texting back too slowly), you’re probably stuck in a relational loop—and yes, relationship therapy can help you recognize and rewrite that pattern.
Connection Beneath the Chaos
Behind every ongoing conflict is a need—often unmet, unspoken, or misread. These needs might sound like:
“I want to feel like I matter.”
“I need to trust that you’ll show up.”
“I don’t want to keep losing myself in this dynamic.”
But the way we express those needs? Not always so poetic. More like: “You always do this,” or “Can you please stop micromanaging me?” or... silence.
This mismatch between need and delivery system is where conflict gets messy.
In relationship therapy, we learn that underneath criticism is usually a longing. Underneath withdrawal is usually overwhelm. And if you can learn to decode what your conflict is really about, you're not just putting out fires—you’re learning how to stop lighting the match.
What You Can Try (Without Needing to Be a Zen Master)
You don’t have to be a therapist or a Jedi to manage conflict more skillfully. You just need a few new moves. Try:
Pause before pursuing clarity. If things are escalating, slow it down instead of speeding up.
Name your internal weather. “I feel stormy and defensive” goes farther than “You’re being ridiculous.”
Use the “soft start.” Instead of “You never listen,” try: “I’m feeling disconnected and could use some time together.”
Assume positive intent. Even if they totally missed the mark, start by assuming your partner wasn’t trying to ruin your day. Ask yourself if you’re being as charitable as you could be with your assumptions.
Break the loop. Try doing one thing differently: sit instead of stand, speak instead of sulk, ask instead of assume.
And yes—sometimes the most helpful thing is recognizing that it’s not about resolving every fight perfectly, but about learning how to stay connected while disagreeing. That’s one of the biggest muscles we build in relationship therapy.
If you're ready to embark on your journey toward decreased conflict, becoming more skillful in your relationship, and creating a safer feeling of connection, I'm here to support you. Schedule your consultation today, and let's begin this transformative journey together.
